The battle between what I want to do and what feels more natural

I read a tweet this morning that said something like, "I only write to get things out of my head." I love it and I can relate. The problem I run into is getting busy with other stuff. It doesn't matter what else is going on, writing always seems to be the low man on the totem pole. It gets a ranking somewhere near exercise. How ironic. The two things I feel I should be doing the most are the ones I do the least. This is nothing new, not for me for sure. I have been making decent progress on what I will call chapter 2 of Firetok and actually had a bit of a breakthrough the last two days. I made a sharp departure this time around and really thought about the story I need to tell. I went as far as making out an outline of the main whats and how I want to get there. The problem I am finding is that it is almost acting as a hindrance. How things work for me is that I get in a groove and it all comes pouring out. I don't have to think about it much. This is where I laugh for anyone who has read anything I have written. I figure my less than sophisticated style likely makes one wonder the same thing. "Did this guy even think about this crap before he committed it to words?" Bottom line is yes I do and no I don't. I learned enough from the endless reedits of Firetok to have slowed down the initial draft a bit when I can. Here is where I find dilemma. I am starting to think its a mistake. When I have a scene really coming together I just let it pour, typos, incomplete thoughts, whatever spills out is fine. I never want to intentionally break a groove. They get broken by other activities soon enough. So back to the issue of the outline. It is a double edged sword. I do believe the act of making a decision on where I am going is helping to keep forward momentum. The other edge however is there will be times I look at the outline and I am not there mentally. I have not even found a way to get there yet. I am so used to coming at it from the other direction. Bottom line for me, I think the outline is valuable tool which will ultimately keep the meanderings to minimum. That should be good I suppose. But, those meanderings are so often where I stumble upon some super valuable tidbits of creative gold. These are the nuggets I never knew I was looking for. Part of the writing of chapter 2 is rereading the first book. Some of this was done three plus years ago now. I have no idea where the time has gone. I look at it now and see how much of the plot was spontaneous. I just had this thing in my head that had to get out. It was loose and free. The thing I see now is the perfectionist in me trying to take over to ensure the lessons learned all get applied. It feels a little like a homemade trap. It is some kind of a paradox. I am sure someone has an elaborate theory on it somewhere. For now it feels like the battle between what I want to do and what feels more natural. Hmmm. Getting this out of my head may just enable me to strengthen the argument against myself.

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