Top Secret Marketing for a Non-Selfpromotionist

We were driving by a corn field yesterday. The corn was cut down some time ago so only the stalk stubble (unofficial agricultural jargon) remained on the ground. We were discussing some different comments I have heard in the past. I put the comments with some other things that have happened lately and it got me thinking. Alright, anyone who knows me will say it's time to get off the bus. Gordon and thinking go together like gasoline and matches. Which honestly is really a great combo, adding alcohol is where it can get dangerous. For those of you who don't know any better, here we go.

Top Secret Marketing for Non-Selfpromotionist

I haven't met too many people who love self-promotion. I don't like it to the point of hate myself. No, not hate myself, I have different reasons for that. I meant I hate it also or too. I've heard it said so many ways it doesn't even matter. "It's not my style...I'm not comfortable... I don't like..." You get the idea. How could that be? Well, it's easy. I would much rather bring attention to someone else than myself. More often than not I will help someone else even if it is to my own detriment. I have proof and it is well documented. Please don't ask my wife about it, it may be a sore subject around here. (I would say really sore but I have been in adjective therapy for weeks and even if it's an adverb the ly makes me apprehensive.)

I've talked about marketing plenty of times and shared the posts. I haven't figured out the second thing to do with book marketing, but I have to wonder. If my friends don't know I have a book coming out, how in the hell is anyone else going to know I have a book coming out? I seem to have stumbled into that vast gray area again. The area between too much and not enough. I read articles all the time about marketing, writing, blah blah blah. Not one have I come across said here is a way to sell fewer books. Is voila still a word? It used to mean something similar to tada I think. I found my niche. I am so prepared for this to take off I believe this is the first of a 1.5 million part ongoing series.

So here is the deal. I came up with a marketing plan for those of us who don't like self-promotion. I am going to call myself a non-selfpromotionist despite my spell check going apeshit against it.

Phase 1-

Get my book in front of my mom. Period. And then give up. It will be an inexpensive campaign since I will do it at cost and give her one copy. It will also give me a chance to visit and catch up on Judge Judy. Depending on how much I hate self-promotion that day, I may drop it off in her mailbox and hope for the best.

Phase 2-

That big cornfield I mentioned earlier. I am going to wrap my book in plastic and sneak out to the middle of the field under cover of darkness. I will lay the book in the middle of the field and scatter whatever debris I can find to camouflage it. My hope here is that eventually someone will find it, pick it up and say "Damn this here is the best damn book I ever seen," before they throw it in the trash or at a coyote.

Phase 3-

I will write Amazon a letter and ask them how to keep my books hidden from the public. I'm thinking like the dark web or something. If they are hidden from the public it will take a very serious reader with some pretty uptown credentials to find them. Make 'em work for it. Someone of high enough caliber to deserve my book. Like if Nancy Drew, Jack Bauer and Terminator (2) had a love child. Yea their kid. Or maybe if Oprah and the Scooby Doo gang hooked up and had offspring. This is the kind of reader I'm looking for. Besides my mom of course. Amazon seems pretty customer centric. I'll give it a try.

Phase 4-

This is kind of a tricky one here because calling this phase 4 suggests action. Phase 4 is completely the opposite. It is inaction. That's why it's 4 instead of 1. I will not talk to anyone about this. I realize I am excited to complete a book I have been working on for a very long time. I know I really put my heart in it. But, no one else cares. Did you know it is woe is me not whoa is me. I checked. Two totally different things. Anyhow talking to my friends about my accomplishment might be construed as self-promotion. I will talk about their boring kids or the weather instead. Sweet.

Phase 5-

This next part is about blog traffic and I realize I was talking about book marketing but it kind of ties in for me. I read an article last week where a fellow bloggist increased her blog traffic by 50%. The hell you say? She did. She originally would tweet a link to her blog post once. Set it and forget it. Like that made for TV oven that people claim burnt their houses down. OK, so she started tweeting a link to her post lets say twice a day and doubled the amount of people who read her stuff. I find this appalling. I tried to do the math myself but since I got my degree the tutors won't take my calls anymore. They couldn't wait for me to graduate. My point is this. If she increased her blog traffic by 50% with a couple extra tweets. The math should work in reverse. Tweet less than once a day-I should notice a drop of  50%? I am not sure how to go into negative numbers but I suppose I could consult with a couple politicians who could help.

Phase 6-

Clean out my address book. Slow the internet or get rid of it. Get rid of some of this dead weight. I have had some very informative guest posts here about marketing, platform and so forth. I've read and learned so much from them. I wonder if I could drop back to a dial-up internet connection to help slow the transfer of ideas. There has to be one of those old AOL cds in the basement. There are people out there with experience willing to share. Dead weight man. Hasta la vista baby. Thanks, Yancy, Sheri and Michele but I gotta be me and I hate self-promotion. Ill try to remember to send you Christmas cards.